Silence can heal or hurt

COURTSHIP is a glorious time. It is a time of discovery. Discovering the beauty that is in you as seen in the eyes of the beloved. Discovery of someone who has become so special that you cannot believe your luck. It is a time when overwhelmingly good feelings are routine and you are convinced that it will remain so forever.
It should come as no surprise, therefore, if couples rush off to the altar. Almost always, however, after the wedding there is a return to earth. Love still burns brightly, but the everyday stresses and the emerging issues and conflicts have a way of dissipating many of those intoxicating good feelings.
The high level of communicating may drop a few notches. There may even be moments when the beloved sinks into silence and is unwilling to talk. When this happens, there is disappointment and perhaps even anger on the part of the partner.
What do you do when faced with a loved one who retreats into his/her shell and refuses to come out?
Sometimes it is best to do nothing, at least for a while. It might be better to allow the beloved to look into his heart and try to sort out his feelings and his thoughts. Deep silence can be a sign of confusion and inner conflict as well as sadness and anger. Many times the silent one cannot tell you what he is feeling because he is so upset or confused that he cannot get his thoughts organized enough to enunciate them to you.
Emmy and I do this. When either of us goes into the silent mode, the other gives time and space. Time to introspect and enough space to show respect for the beloved.
All of us have moments when we get lost in deep thinking. Some of this thinking can be very personal and private even if is not threatening to the relationship. For example, one might have some serious doubts about God but is unwilling to talk about them because he is still checking them out.
If, however, in your judgment, your beloved has been given enough time, then you should make an approach and ask him what is troubling him. Your method of approaching him will make all the difference. If you are gentle and make the emotional environment safe, the chances of him opening up are high. If you are aggressive and already judgmental, then he might do one of two things. He might retreat even further into silence or he may choose to lie to you.
Choosing the right time is also vital. Patience can make a big difference. Some partners cannot wait and drive a wedge deeper between themselves and their partners. If you choose the right time, your chances are much better.
Choosing an intimate moment when there are few distractions and where you can focus on the matter at hand is important. It is truly amazing how effective you can be if only you carefully choose the right time and the right place to approach a silent partner.
It is common knowledge that impenetrable silence is a killer of relationships. This is why it is essential that you find the ways and means to deal with silent partners if you are to keep your love vibrant and alive.
If you have problems about drugs, alcohol and behavior/attitude call my office at 820-6107 or 825-1771 or e-mail me at gvcbuenca@vasia.com or write me at P.O. Box 2099 MCPO, Makati City.
[Column of Bob Aron, The Manila Times, June 29, 2007] http://www.manilatimes.net

"Your friend and ally today could just as easily stab you in the back tomorrow. “Tatarakan ka ng balaraw” were the actual (certainly more colorful) words. So keep your backs to the wall and watch out for your enemies, but more for your friends"
[Excerpted from former Senator Ernesto Herrera's column, Senate Briefing, The Manila Times, June 26, 2007] http://www.manilatimes.net/

In times of trouble, you will know who your friends really are :) And I thank Ate Lans for that and, of course, si She! :)